a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
