i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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