another moral hangover. fuck.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
