Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
