Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
