if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He better not be in your backpack
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
