Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
