He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize