Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
