big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
