you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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