Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
