in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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