please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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