There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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