I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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