I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This baby is an asshole
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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