I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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