words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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