it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
