eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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