apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
