everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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