hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
