umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize