all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
