it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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