she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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