oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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