New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
