I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
