Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
