look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
