I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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