Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
