Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
