you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
