you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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