Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
