trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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