Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
