I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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