So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
