Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
