found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
