I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
