You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
