I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
