I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
