Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
