Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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