He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
