it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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