I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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