I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
