is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize