So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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