I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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