i think my mom watched the whole time
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
