I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
