ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
