shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize