my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
