does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
