Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
