I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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