Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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