i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
