She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
