i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
