my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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