does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
