Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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